


Be Careful, For My Heart Dangles By A thread In Your Hands

by VirdisDrachen



Series: Soft Keith Week 2019 [1]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Getting Together, Hurt Keith (Voltron), Keith (Voltron) Angst, Keith (Voltron)-centric, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Nightmares, SHEITH - Freeform, Soft Keith Week 2019, Trauma, Vulnerability, keith and shiro have a talk about the clone fight, soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-13
Updated: 2019-10-13
Packaged: 2020-12-14 16:00:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21018440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VirdisDrachen/pseuds/VirdisDrachen
Summary: It's ironic that Keith realized the true extent of his feelings for Shiro when he was fighting to save both of their lives. The question now was: Could he confront them and how could he face Shiro when all Keith think about is the fight that left a permanent scar on his cheek, as well as scars in his heart that were a little deeper than he expected.





	Be Careful, For My Heart Dangles By A thread In Your Hands

Could it really be happening?

_ Shiro, I know you're in there! _

This wasn't Shiro. This wasn't  _ his _ Shiro. Somehow Keith has known it for some time, has  _ felt _ it. The main indicator should have been the strange behavior he had displayed from time to time. But for once Keith wanted to ignore his instincts because all that mattered to him was that Shiro was back. In the clone facility, even as they fought, Keith hoped that the Shiro fighting him wasn't someone else wearing Shiro's face. There was a chance that this was the real Shiro and that his mind had been scrambled by that evil witch. 

Believing anything was better than thinking that Shiro had been torn from him once more. 

_ Shiro please! You're my brother.  _ ** _I love you!_ **

Keith wasn't sure when the feelings had really made themselves present, but figured that they have been for a long while. He hadn't really thought of revealing them. Or if he did reveal them, it wouldn't be as he fought for his life, as well as trying to break a person he deeply loved out of a brainwash. 

But the feelings were too much, the strong wave of fear pushed them out like lava being pushed out of a volcano. He added something to the confession that he wasn't really expecting. But at that point he was hoping that anything he said would bring his best friend back. Keith hoped that the emphasis with which he said those three words would awake  _ something _ in Shiro. 

And Keith recalled that they did. For a moment Shiro would hesitate. That manic wild look in his eyes would waver for just the briefest of moments … 

But when Keith didn't see any of those happening he knew something was wrong. 

_ Let  _ ** _go_ ** _ Keith … _

Keith's limbs went limp even when he felt every part of him rebelling for his survival. A moment too late and that blade came down to strike down death upon him …

_ You don't have to fight anymore ... _

Caught between a loud gasp and a shout, lack of breath caused Keith to jolt up desperate for air. He could not get enough of it through the knot of emotions lodged in his throat. He was on high alert, his eyes frantically surveying his surroundings for danger he swore he was in.

But there was none for he was inside the Black Lion, on his bed. Yet, his breathing was trying to catch on to that reality. 

One, two, in, and out. 

A sharp pain in Keith’s shaking palm further cemented the extent of his panic; his luxite blade, drawn from under his pillow, was awakened and at the ready for an enemy that wasn’t there. He was gripping the hilt way too hard.

One, two … In and out …

A soft, comforting warmth was pressed to Keith’s thigh. A gaze, intelligent and worried was upon him and Keith turned to meet it. Kosmo had his head tilted at him while whining softly as if asking him if he was alright. Soon after, the soft growl of the Black Lion was like a soft song in the wind, a humble vibration that alleviated the tension in Keith’s muscles.

One … Two … In … and out. 

Keith was where he was supposed to be, awake and  _ alive _ . Not stuck in a nightmare drawn from one of his worst memories, one that he could not escape. 

"No. Not again …" through slightly even breathing, Keith pleaded to the disquieted face reflected upon the body of his blade. 

Keith hated staring that face. It reminded him too much of troubling times in his past. A time where he was looked over constantly and loneliness consumed him. With a grit of his teeth and a tremble of his hand, Keith willed the blade to its slumbering state. Then proceeded to put it back in favor of caressing his knuckle as if he was counting money. 

Kosmo and Black were a presence he tried to take comfort in. But in a distant part of his mind, he could hear the resonance of metal cutting through steel. Shiro’s subsequent scream was fresh in Keith’s ears. It was like he was stuck inside an echo chamber made out of his own torments.

As much as he didn't want to he just couldn't stop thinking of that moment. In the best of moments it would only be the shadow of a memory only present to haunt him, then throw him into a chasm of fears. In the worst of moments, Keith wouldn't help but think of a scenario where everything went completely wrong …

The scar on his cheek, which he touched, bore witness to how close he came to death, to how close he came to losing Shiro  _ again _ . As a Paladin of Voltron that was fighting a universal war, being so close to death was something Keith learned how to brave. Ergo, coming close to dying while unnerving, it wasn’t as bad as facing the fact that he almost died at the hands of  _ Shiro. _ It didn’t matter that it had been a clone who had the misfortune of being used as a puppet. Shiro’s soul and mind have been put into said clone body, and, according to the man, he and the mind of his clone were merged into one. Essentially, it had still been _ Shiro. _

Thinking about it caused a striking pain that robbed a sob from Keith’s chest. He tried to fight his own feelings in a determined demonstration of strength. For his efforts, he was rewarded with the shaking of his own body because of the strain. He hugged his own legs and rested his forehead on his knees. 

Shiro would never do that to him willingly, was what Keith repeated to himself. Shiro was under the control of Zarkon’s witch. Yet a faded ache of the scar replayed the images behind closed eyelids. Keith tried to control himself through more deep breaths, though he struggled and they came out shaky. 

Shiro cared. Those tender and fond looks, those ‘gentler than they should be’ touches. Whether it was Shiro himself or another being that had very much of Shiro’s essence, and subsequently, his memories. So all those actions must have meant something: That Shiro cared for Keith, that he loved Keith in any way, shape, or form …

Or could it be that there was something in Shiro that fueled the witch’s control. Even after Keith laid out his feelings so bare, Shiro would have still ended him if Keith hadn’t drawn strength at that last second ...

Keith’s leg was nudged and with his tear stained face he looked at his cosmic wolf to find compassion and understanding. It sent a strong pang to Keith’s chest, along with the powerful need to hug someone. 

“Oh Kosmo …" Keith practically let himself fall against his companion. The softness of the fur and the fresh scent enlivening some of the heavy beats inside Keith's chest. But even then, "Looks like I won’t be able to sleep tonight buddy … I’m so sorry I woke you.” Keith’s voice sounded too pathetic to his own ears. Although he did not stop himself from giving into his urge and wrapped his arms tighter around the fluffy blue wolf.

Kosmo whined again then gave Keith a few small licks on his unscarred cheek. Wet and a bit broken, Keith chuckled and thanked him, there was no doubt that he and the wolf shared an empathic bond. It was always a welcomed comfort for when Keith felt like he had no else around, for when he felt like shielding himself from everyone else. Even Shiro. 

Nevertheless, thinking on shielding himself from Shiro hurt. But ever since that fight with Shiro's clone Keith has felt … off. He wasn't sure how to explain it, he has tried reflecting on it while they’ve been on the long, uncertain journey back to Earth. But for the life of him he just couldn't put his finger on it, so most of the time he would just give up on the thoughts. It was far easier to pretend that he was okay. Years of practice have made him an expert. And despite everything, Keith hated to think that he was being mistrustful of Shiro, he would not admit to something so distressing.

Another long rumble resounded in Keith’s head and the idea of Shiro sitting alone under a starry sky was implanted in Keith’s mind. He did not see the man’s face, only the back of his snowy white hair, and the rest of his broad body. But Keith could tell that Shiro was lost in thought.

Slightly and without moving one of his arms from around Kosmo's neck, Keith pulled back from him. The young man frowned at nothing in particular then looked to his side, at the floor. Only then he noticed the empty sleeping bag and the sheets casted aside. 

“Is he outside?” Warily, Keith asked the walls dimmed in purple light around him. His answer, a low groan and a ‘mental nudge’ from Black.

Keith hummed while one set of fingers raked through Kosmo’s fur. On the other hand, his pointer finger continued to rub his knuckle in the same 'counting money' motion. 

As he stared at the abandoned makeshift bedding, for some reason, he conjured up the image of how he and Shiro came to sleep where they were sleeping. Keith had insisted on Shiro using the bed, even when it was clear that Shiro was more recovered from being transferred to a new body. However Shiro was really having none of it and insisted back. Before they could get stuck in an endless cycle of politeness and consideration for one another, Pidge spared them by forcing Shiro and Keith to draw straws. Fortunately for Shiro, and unfortunately for Keith, Shiro won. Notwithstanding, the level of trust they had for the other would have given them no qualms about sharing a bed. But the bed in the Black Lion was barely big enough for one person. Kosmo was pretty much sleeping on top of Keith’s legs. 

For the innocence of the memory, it made Keith think on something. While Shiro and him were very close to each other, they're didn't have  _ that _ level of intimacy. Even if they did, with how uncomfortable Keith has been near Shiro lately, it would have been a challenge. Keith was struggling enough with just having Shiro in the same room. It begged the question of what sort of  twisted reality did Keith live in, where his deepest wish was suddenly too much for his trust to handle.

Black nudged him again, feeding Shiro's lonely image into Keith's head once more. It was a clear sign that Black was nudging him towards Shiro. Black and Shiro still had their connection, the lion being so persistent on Keith going to Shiro was sweet. But Keith wasn't sure if he could go to Shiro and face him, face his own feelings towards the man and that included the current turmoil of contradiction within Keith. Thus, he wouldn't know where to start or how to even handle the conversation. 

Keith wondered if walking for a little would help organize those thoughts. Back on Earth, riding his hover bike always helped with that. God, how he suddenly missed his father's old red hoverbike. A simple walk wouldn't compare, but it would have to do. Fresh air would do him good anyways. A little resigned he sighed, then slowly got off the bed and put on his old white and red boots. Before the castleship was destroyed, he managed to save at least his casual pants and T-shirt. He was surprised they still fit, even if his shirt was a little tight across the chest and his arms. But it was still comfortable to sleep in it rather than having to wear his Paladin or Blade undersuits all the time. 

Without even needed to be asked, Kosmo followed Keith outside of Black. The night was chilly and Keith hugged himself briefly missing his old red jacket. But breathing the open air was good, and he walked without any real set destination in mind. 

With the Lions' power cores so depleted, just travelling through space has been an uphill battle. The Paladins and their companions found themselves in the need of stopping on yet another small rocky planet which was where they currently were on. Life was scarce there, but they did find resources. And even if they were surrounded by mostly rock, the formations they provided were intriguing and breathtaking. The backgrounds provided good images for sightseeing. Which currently was a really needed distraction for Keith.

For the last couple of nights Keith hasn’t been sleeping well at all. He has tried to keep it from the others because he didn’t need to,  _ or _ want to worry anyone more that they all already were with their current situation. He couldn't be the only one stressed and with a lot on his mind. As a leader, Keith had to be concerned and watch out for everyone's well-being. Even if it meant that his own would have to take a backseat.

At the very least, Keith  _ did _ allow himself to have some moments of his own; in the quiet, away from any eyes or ears. That way he wouldn't have to confront feelings that he wasn't ready to face, or that he simply didn't know how to. Alone with his thoughts, Keith could try to push them aside without a bother.

Keith walked by the little campsite that they had set up outside the lions, too immersed in his own head. Away from their little camp was the edge of the cliff they were camping upon and splayed out ahead was the horizon glittered with nebulas and stars.

After picking a good spot to overlook everything, Keith sat on a boulder and contemplated the sight before him. It was the perfect image to simply lose oneself in contemplation, admire the beauty that was all around. The idea and the sight he was taking in were such a contrast to what he was feeling inside. The images of his dream were still vivid in his head. So lose himself Keith did. It didn't require much effort from his part as he was consumed by the endless questioning he was doing to his own self. His feelings were in a continuous spiral, and each of them was like a celestial body of crashing into another. The three words he yelled at Shiro in desperation, he had meant them. It also made him realize the true extent of the meaning he put behind them. The question was, how could he face Shiro about them?  _ Could _ he even face Shiro?

Keith has tried hard not to show how strange he felt around Shiro, he tried to look like he wasn’t a convoluted mess. But Shiro knew. And Keith knew that he did. And yet not once has Shiro pushed for an answer. Shiro even offered on riding with any of the other Paladins. But even as contradictory as he was being, Keith insisted he stayed in Black. Because even if doubts and an unfamiliar fear plagued him, Keith didn't want to be without Shiro. Especially after all that's happened. There was also the added fact that he was in love with Shiro, but he couldn't tell him because he was afraid.

So yes, a constant spiral of conflicting feelings.

"I'm such a mess … what's wrong with me?" Keith told himself as he hid in his hands. Kosmo sensed Keith's distress and nudged him while whining softly. When Keith paid him attention, the wolf squirmed under Keith’s arm to rest his head on the Black Paladin’s lap.

Keith hated not knowing how to manage his own feelings. He thought that after those two years he spent in the quantum abyss he had finally learned how to keep himself in check. While he and Krolia had to work on their relationship, Keith had been in an otherwise calm environment. He had tasted peace, or some form of it even when bitter memories of his past came back. Some he was able to work on, and still was. Others, he wasn’t quite sure of and he dealt with them the best way he knew how: by building a wall around them. No personal growth, no lesson learned. Routine caused him to become stagnant, like he became comfortable learning to swim in the same current. After all, while his relationship with Krolia was growing, there were certain things Keith wasn’t comfortable with telling her. Two years suddenly didn’t seem like they were enough to heal wounds from most of his lifetime. 

That didn’t stop Keith from trying to build up his strength and confidence. Once back, he thought that he had returned ready to face anything and, truly, in many ways he was. But all it took was one moment to make Keith feel like that lost little boy he once was. To feel like he was thrown into a tempestuous tide in unknown waters. The walls that he had decided to keep up came crashing down and whatever was held back swept Keith away. 

Keith has always felt more close to Shiro than anyone else. Keith knew he loved Shiro immensely. But thinking back on all of it made Keith consider if he was such a feelings illiterate that he had to realize _ just how  _ immense that love was in a life or death situation. It was both painful and ironic that Keith had to realize them at such an inconvenient moment. 

And, that was not to mention that Keith claimed that he loved Shiro as a brother when in truth his love for Shiro was different. Granted, he was desperate and clinging to anything that could bring Shiro back to him. The last thing in Keith’s mind would have been a love confession. Keith still regretted not being able to be honest with Shiro, and himself. It was yet another thing he had to clarify. 

“You love him and you want to be with him. Yet at the same time you are near having a mental breakdown and are afraid of even being _ near _ him. That’s great Keith. You’re doing fantastic.” Keith scoffed at himself and scowled ahead of him. 

_ You are afraid because you know you are worthless. You are not worth sticking around for. Shiro said that he should have  _ ** _abandoned_ ** _ you like everyone else.  _

"Stop it." Keith begged in a sharp whisper. Those words hadn't been Shiro. Keith knew it ...

_ He tried to kill you. And even if you saved him you aren't even talking to each other. He said he remembers the fight, so he should remember the words. What if he really meant them?  _

"He didn't … he couldn't have …" Because Shiro would never say those things. Keith wanted to believe that. Especially since he just found out that he was deeply in love with Shiro. 

Keith wanted to tell Shiro, he wanted to think, to  _ hope  _ that Shiro loved him the same way. Keith's demons loved torturing him without any mercy: Why would Shiro want someone so broken, someone that no matter what he did felt like he was never enough. Why Shiro would want to be with someone like Keith, when there was a real possibility that Adam was back waiting for him. Before Kerberos, it was very clear that the two had ended their relationship. But in the grand scheme of things, no one knows what may happen. Shiro's never mentioned him, but distance could have made them grow fonder. 

When Keith thought about all of that, with pain in his heart, he saw that there was just no way; Keith just didn't see it happening. 

That was one of the things that has hurt him more in all his life. If he focused enough, he was sure that his heart was cracking loud enough for him to hear. 

So, even if the others weren't around to see him, he  _ would not _ cry. Feelings didn't care about that memo though. Keith's shoulders and chest began to heave with his heavy breathing. The result of his effort to hold his feelings in check …

"Keith." 

The familiar, strong, but soothing call of his name startled Keith. While his heart leapt with joy, every other part of himself panicked.

_ Not now! Not  _ ** _him_ ** _ ! He’ll blindside you! Please, go away! I feel alone and confused … Please don’t leave me …  _ None of it left from Keith’s thoughts. 

As Keith looked up to see the man that haunted every bit of his being, he didn't have the time nor the mind to wipe the hints of his tears. Kosmo ‘woffed’ very softly while his head still rested on Keith’s lap and his tail thumped. 

“Hello to you too Kosmo.” Shiro greeted after he chuckled with fondness, and that was when Keith looked up at the man.

"Shiro?" Keith and Shiro's eyes met briefly before Keith reacted quickly by ducking his head down and away. He hoped his hair was long enough to help him wipe the tears off his face as discreetly as he could. He stammered, "How long have you been standing there?" 

Keith felt Shiro's stare on him for a couple of moments prior to the latter answering him. "I just got here. I saw you walking right past me and you didn't see me. I even called you, but you seemed to be distracted."

"Huhh, I see. I didn't see you." Keith mentally cursed that his voice sounded stuffy. He was equally as relieved when Shiro didn’t point it out. Maybe it wasn’t as noticeable as he thought he was being. Hopefully.

"Yes, that's what I just said." Shiro looked at him in amusement but with no intention to mock.

"Right. Sorry." Keith felt dumb and he offered Shiro a miniscule smile. At least he had his tears under control for the time being.

Shiro smiled back at him while shaking his head and gestured a dismissal with his hand. "It's okay. We all have a lot in our minds, right?" 

Keith couldn't agree more. If he didn't know any better he would have said that Shiro suddenly gained the ability to read minds. Nevermind that it was more likely because Shiro knew him very well. It was like pouring salt in a wound. A wound that he made himself. He agreed with Shiro by humming and nodding, then changed the subject. Keith knew he wasn't being subtle, but it was okay to pretend that he was.

"Why are you awake? When I didn't see you sleeping I thought that you went for a midnight snack and didn't invite me." It wouldn't have been such a bad attempt at joking from Keith’s part if he hadn’t sound so dispirited.

A scoff and Shiro replied, "As if I would leave my snack buddy behind. You hurt me Keith." 

The tone of mock hurt would have caused more amusement, but all Keith managed was brief upturn of his lips. The thoughts that have been poisoning his mind were making it difficult for him. 

Shiro, in serious answer to Keith's previous question, shrugged a shoulder and looked at the sky. His look expressed that he didn't really have a satisfactory answer to that question. "I just can't seem to sleep for too much at a time lately. I feel too … restless? It's the only way I can really describe it." He paused and looked like he gave a thought before his tone turned a little jovial again and added, "I was asking the stars if they had an answer for me."

Though Shiro was trying to joke Keith looked at him questioningly and with worry. Shiro changed his gaze from the stars, down to Keith. When he noticed Keith's expression he offered a soft smile that was meant to be reassuring.

"Trust me, I've been trying to put my finger on it. Have had no success so far whatsoever." Shiro’s eyes trailed down to Keith’s finger rubbing against his knuckle again. 

It was likely that Shiro was onto him hiding something. Yet Shiro himself looked antsy, shifting from foot to foot. It was a sign to Keith that Shiro was debating something. Keith watched him curiously as Shiro rubbed his neck and looked at the starry sky yet again.

"Mind ... if I join you?"

The question caused a tug in Keith's heart while also it made something in him recoil. Suddenly the feeling of a sharp burning blade seared into his cheek; The world around him fell and death took shape in the face of the person he would burn the universe for. Betrayal, fear and pain tried to drag him under no matter how hard Keith fought. 

_ 'You're not as strong as you think you are.' _

“Are you okay Keith?” Shiro's soft voice was a beacon in the tunnel Keith was falling into; a light that the closer Keith got to, the more afraid of getting burned he felt. But the warmth was too inviting making it impossible for Keith to say no.

"Of course. Why would you even ask?" Keith tried to chuckle in order to keep up his facade. But the sound came out wet from his earlier crying, so he had to try to mask it by clearing his throat. 

After Shiro sat down next to him a small silence followed. Shiro stretched out his remaining arm to pet Kosmo on the head which caused the wolf to thump his tail a little quicker. Expectation of an exchange of words stretched between the two men like the emptiness of space. Keith wanted to desperately fill it because he didn't want to create distance between him and Shiro. But second guessing himself was Keith's greatest enemy, leading Shiro to be the one to close that gap again. Keith could never meet him halfway, it seemed.

"It's pretty cool isn't it? Despite this place being mostly rocky and desolate, it has its own particular beauty to it." 

Keith followed Shiro's gaze to the horizon and while nodding softly he answered, "Yea … it is … very particular. It's pretty. Reminds me of home."

The little hum Shiro gave in reply felt like he was thinking back on the wide open desert. Where the both of them would chase the golden glow of the sunset. For a moment Keith thought he could feel the wind brushing his hair, if he concentrated enough. 

But in the desperation to not let awkwardness ensue between them, Keith let his mind run wild and let his mouth spew whatever first thing came to mind.

"When will you be taking Black again? I think you can pilot him again. He'd be glad to have you back. You two have a connection still, I can feel it." Keith has had that thought a couple of times ever since Shiro's return. He wasn't sure why he'd bring  _ that _ of all things all of a sudden. 

Shiro smirked at the sky and closed his eyes, "Yes, he's still there, in my mind, I mean. And it'd be nice to pilot him again. But ..." Shiro suddenly paused and scoffed in amusement as he looked at Keith. "That can be a tad of a problem. You know, one arm and all that." 

Shiro's tone was lighthearted and somewhat sarcastic indicating that he was making use of his odd humor. Keith's eyes fell to what was left of Shiro's prosthetic, which the latter moved to emphasize his joke. Keith was seeing it far from just a joke, guilt eroding any humor that Shiro tried to implement. 

** _I _ ** _ did that to him.  _ ** _I hurt _ ** _ him … I wonder if he's mad at me for it but is not saying anything… I wouldn't blame him if he is …  _ It was hard for Keith to dwell in that thought

"Still have that snarky sarcasm and strange dark humor of yours I see." Keith still amused Shiro with a small smile. If only to dissipate the tension he felt over his shoulders. Kosmo squirmed more and added on of his paws on Keith’s lap as if offering more comfort.

Shiro looked sheepish while he grinned a little at Keith. "Sorry … I couldn't help myself. I was hoping you'd at least roll your eyes at me or something." 

Almost automatically Keith _ did _ gave Shiro the reaction he wanted. It merited a soft laugh from the older man.

"Joking aside though," Shiro continued as he leant back on his arm, "yes, it'd be nice to pilot Black again. But why would I want to take him away from you when you are doing a fine job? You two make a great team." 

The honesty in Shiro hurt. Keith couldn't agree with him in that, therefore he scoffed incredulously. Making a great team with Black meant that he has been a good leader. Keith considered himself anything but, regardless of what anyone, including the Black Lion himself, said otherwise. Keith smirked, though it lacked the emotion that was supposed to cause in him. "Okay, are you joking again? Shiro, I left the team for  _ two years. _ "

"Technically it was only a couple of months." Shiro kindly defended. Although Keith wasn't sure if that upset him a little more.

"Not for me it wasn't. And it doesn't matter how much time it was anyways. I still  _ left _ . I don't think that's anyone's idea of a good leader. I'm surprised Black is even letting me pilot him again." Keith came off unintentionally spiteful. Although the negativity was aimed towards himself, he didn't want to accidentally take out his anger on Shiro or the Black Lion, or anyone else. Especially if what Shiro was doing was nothing more than believing in him, complimenting him and encouraging him. Just like he has always done. 

Beside him Shiro shifted and although Keith wasn't looking at him, he could tell the older man was grappling with his thoughts. Keith knew Shiro was either looking to justify what Keith did, or, to patiently give him advice. Thus Keith changed the subject yet again before Shiro could speak his mind. Perhaps it was a conversation saved for another, better time.

"You gonna tell me why you couldn't sleep? Was it because of nightmares?" Keith thought he sounded sharp and angry and he winced internally. But he just went with it and didn't look at Shiro so that he wouldn't have to feel more awful than he already did.

Hesitation showed in Shiro's words yet it seemed that he got the message that Keith didn't want to talk about the previous subject. There was a very high possibility that Shiro hadn't let it go. So Keith was grateful that for the moment Shiro decided to put it aside. 

"Not really. Not tonight anyways." Shiro changed position by leaning forward and resting his elbow on his knee. He looked like he was considering his answer. "Like I said earlier, I'm mostly … restless. Ever since I got pulled out of Black I've been feeling … well … off." 

"Off? As in sick? Something hurts?" Desperation began to bubble up Keith's throat and he was already getting on his feet. Kosmo was startled off of Keith's lap and his ears tucked against his head as he looked up at Keith.

Images of Shiro behind the glass of a healing pod; losing him without a trace; it all flooded back to Keith and he was starting to panic. It all stopped abruptly when Shiro chuckled sheepishly and placed his hand on Keith's shoulder to push him back down to his seat.

"Calm down Keith. I'm not sick. I guess I'm just wrapping my head around the fact that I'm back. I spent a lot of time in Black's consciousness … and then there's the ‘dying’ and ‘returning’ thing. It's a lot to take in."

Of course. A whole issue on its own that Shiro hasn't talked about. That worried Keith and he was ready to be there for Shiro, ready to support him and ready to divert Shiro's attention from him to Shiro. Because even if Keith didn't like admitting it, a part of him was really hoping the focus would be taken off of him. But as if Shiro could read him, Shiro spoke before Keith could even form the words.

"Being back in a body and  _ alive _ again feels strange. I’m still adapting, but ...” Shiro trailed off for a moment looking like he was trying to properly explain himself. Keith didn't push despite his worry and let the man speak at his own pace.

"Black's consciousness wasn’t as bad as it may seem. There  _ were _ moments where I had to use all my strength to not lose my sanity or sense of self. But most of the time was like if I was asleep. And then there were the times when I could still see and be there. It gave me strength to think that I was protecting …" The explanation ended like Shiro was going to add something more. Keith searched for any hint of what it could be. But the man simply looked like he zoned out while trying to explain, his face pinched in a very soft frown.

“Shiro?”

Said man lightly shook his head and turned a soft calm look at Keith. “Nevermind. I’ll save that for another time. I appreciate the concern, but right now, I'm not here to talk about me Keith. While there is a lot in my mind, and there are many things that have kept me up at night. There's one thing that's on the forefront and that's  _ you. _ " 

There were a few ways that Keith could interpret that. Sadly none of the ones Keith's mind thought of were positive. Still, it was better to put on a smile and pretend that his own thoughts weren’t out to destroy him. Keith scoffed and raised an eyebrow at Shiro.

"Me? How can I----"

"I've noticed that you haven't been sleeping well at all. Barely even eating. We've  _ all _ noticed, Keith. We're all really worried about you …  _ I'm _ really worried about you."

Keith supposed that when he had dark bags under his eyes, of course everyone would notice. It brought on Keith's self consciousness and he turned his face away from Shiro, hiding it between his dark silky bangs once again.

"I'm just worried like you and everyone else. The lions are still in pretty bad shape. Earth is still a year and a half away according to Pidge and Coran, and who knows what other manner of bad luck will greet us along the way." 

Something about how Shiro stared at him silently made Keith swallow hard. Shiro knew him very well,  _ too _ well. Both of them knew Keith couldn't lie to save his life and much less if the person he was lying to was Shiro. Keith could feel himself getting smaller under the older man's analyzing gaze. Until Shiro finally sighed, his body deflating as he did and his look on Keith softened.

"Keith … You  _ do know _ that the same way that you worry about me, is the same way I worry about  _ you." _ Shiro was firm with his tone, but his eyes were looking at Keith with that pure and honest concern; That care Keith always craved from him but that sometimes wasn't sure how to receive.

Keith swallowed while fiddling with his hands hanging between his knees. He was still hiding the redness and puffiness in his face behind his curtain of hair. Because it was many things at once. Many things Keith held bottled up because he was afraid of getting hurt again. His feelings for Shiro took a turn for somewhere Keith wasn't sure how he could deal with. They were supposed to be best friends, closer to each other than they were to anyone else. Yet Keith couldn't stop thinking about those words Shiro said in the clone facility. Nor could he stop thinking about the burn on his cheek, nor how ultimately  _ afraid  _ he was of getting hurt by Shiro again. While also feeling awful for it because he knew Shiro wouldn't hurt him willingly. Yet here he was being Keith, the walking contradiction; Or Keith, the walking mess. 

"Hey … talk to me please? You've been a little distant, and acting strange.” Shiro leaned in more into the younger man's view." 

Keith thought that he could say anything to Shiro; that unlike most other people he was the easiest to talk to because there were years of trust; because Keith was tired of being prejudiced against without a valid reason, and had been tired of being judged and tossed aside without being given a chance. And Shiro had been the first person to give him a second chance. Their bond had only grown from there. It was just a matter of time before feelings evolved, became bigger and so much more different than to what Keith was used to. Without him noticing or meaning to, he built them up. Up and up and up until there was no strong enough lid to contain them. 

Thoughts went on a tangent leading to silence that gave the impression that Keith didn't want to talk. Keith didn't notice it until he felt Shiro move again and sigh softly, long and deep. When Keith looked at him Shiro was frowning at the floor, the crinkles of his eyebrows carved concern into his face. 

"Okay. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. But I'm still going to worry and one of the reasons I ask is because the other night, I heard you talking in your sleep." To compliment Shiro's look, the man's voice was low and deep with sadness. Keith didn't like that tone, but he let Shiro continue to speak. 

"I got startled when I heard you because I thought that you were hurting. When I checked on you, you were asleep. I wasn't really sure what to do, but I decided to wake you. But before I could however … I saw you crying."

Keith has had a couple of bad dreams for the time they've been traveling back to Earth. It was difficult to recall exactly what was he dreaming, although Keith could guess. But Keith considered that if he told Shiro it would make Shiro feel bad. Keith knew he himself would feel like that if the roles were swapped.

"I was most probably having a bad dream." 

Shiro watched him with contemplative eyes, that look that always knew how to see deep within Keith; eyes that saw that Keith was trying to downplay the turmoil he felt within himself. 

"Looked like a very bad one." Shiro said simply, while also sounding like he wasn't convinced. 

"Yea." Keith mumbled and a long pause ensued afterwards. Keith could not think of a time where he felt awkward when opening up to Shiro. Maybe when they first met at the Garrison, but even back then Keith didn't recall it being  _ that _ awkward. 

"Well, if you ever want to talk about it, you know I'm here." Shiro offered with the patience that often defined him. Casual, with that easy trust they've built for years, Shiro went to put his hand on Keith's shoulder just like he always did. 

What Keith saw instead was a purple growing blade, a manic and unrecognizable look in a familiar face. And again he swore that his cheek was being burned. Instincts reacted based on those images, they jerked his body away from Shiro's hand before Keith could even have a say on the matter. 

Silver eyes blinked in confusion as that hand Keith has always associated with gentleness hung uselessly in the air. Confusion morphed into realization then culminated in guilt. The hand retracted and those eyes looked away. 

Keith couldn't feel any less powerless against the knot in his heart. 

"Shiro I ---" Keith trailed off into silence. Whatever words he wanted to say escaped him, leaving his mouth moving uselessly. In that distressing moment he realized that what he was trying to contain from Shiro was out. Keith saw it in how Shiro looked at him, the bond he had with Shiro was telling him that Shiro knew what was going on. 

“Those dreams you’ve been having, the distance … It’s because of what I did to you.” The clear pain in that tone had Keith scrambling for an answer, for any sort of justification. Because above his own torments Keith did not want for Shiro to blame himself.

“No! It’s not your fault!” The response came quick and just a bit sharp in the desperation. What Keith didn't count on was on Shiro rebutting. 

“It doesn’t matter if it is or not!” Shiro didn’t quite shout but the frustration in him was clear. His face softened quickly as he looked regretful for letting it out on Keith.

Both looked at each other and Keith was holding back the tears in his eyes, because of course he let it come to this. Even Kosmo was feeling the tension and whined very softly whilst looking at the two men. Shiro's deep exhale broke the silence that preambled his next words.

“Keith … I _hurt_ you. I could’ve **_killed_** you, I almost **_did_**. I’ve dreamt about it, dreamt about what could’ve happened if ...” As Shiro talked, he was reaching for Keith's face, right in the direction of Keith’s scar. He caught himself mid way and hesitated by clenching his fist. Keith watched as Shiro’s expression crumpled and his fist trembled before it was retrieved. 

Keith hated that Shiro looked so guilty and in frustrating pain, but Keith felt frozen on the spot. It wasn't until he saw Shiro tip his head back to hold the evident tears that he remembered how to talk. It didn't mean that Keith could keep the strain of his emotions out of his voice.

"You … too? The dreams, I mean." Keith didn't mean to sound so incredulous. Yet that was exactly what was happening since Keith's head wasn't functioning as he needed it to. 

Shiro nodded to subtly to even notice, looking resigned to accepting something with sadness. It gave Keith the disquieting feeling that he was going to lose Shiro by pushing him away. Shiro's next words cemented those fearful thoughts.

"Now I understand why you don't want to let me close. If you want space, don't worry I understa----."

"No!" 

Both Shiro and Keith were startled by Keith's desperate shout and they blinked at each other. Anxiety lead Keith to recover quickly from the stun, and he continued to speak. 

“Shiro … please … I’m sorry … I don’t want you to leave. I-I----" A tears slipped from Keith's eyes and he shut them while pressing a fist to his lips. He had to try his best to tame the raging waves crashing against his ribcage. Otherwise, his thoughts would be drowned and he would find himself incapable of expressing himself. And there was no turning back now.

"Fuck … I'm so messed up Shiro. I've missed you Shiro. So much. Those two years in the quantum abyss, without knowing anything about you … then I come back all of  _ this _ mess happens." Keith sharply gestured with his arm to their surroundings. He was frustrated that words were being a struggle accompanied by a set of angry tears. 

"In that fight … despite everything, I was willing to let the universe burn if it meant having you back. They're our friends, our family, and I feel awful about it, but I didn't even ----" Keith pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes as he felt like he was losing his train of thought. Kosmo gently pawed him, but Keith kept his hands where they were for a while longer. When he took them off the tears fell more freely.

"I've lost you so many times … and goddamnit I just can't keep losing you. I want you near, I  _ need _ you near. But ever since then, even now that you're back I can't ... I can't be close to you like before. I don't know why. What happened wasn't your fault yet I just don't understand why I …" As Keith trailed off his hand idly went up to ghost fingers over the uneven skin on his cheek. It brought forth a shudder he fought to control. 

Shiro’s eyes on him were like a pair of weights. Keith was avoiding that gaze at all costs because he was afraid of what he could find in it. Things he wanted to say where rushing like a roaring river and he was swimming upstream in it. 

“I don't want you to feel guilty Shiro. Yet I can't fucking stop thinking about what happened in that clone facility. I can’t stop thinking about the things you said, about how you should’ve abandoned me. I want to believe you didn't mean them, I know you didn't mean them. But it just hurt … still does ...” Especially more so after the confession he made to Shiro afterwards. A confession that the older man hasn't addressed, and therefore, convinced Keith that Shiro didn't even remember.

Though Keith wished that he could've had a better opportunity to be more clear about his true feelings towards Shiro. Keith wasn't certain if it was a selfish, or desperate part of him that wanted to pour out his deep feelings for him. But Keith silenced them. Now was not the best time, he told them. 

In the middle of his internal battle Keith didn't realize the long moment of silence that fell upon them. Shiro was what brought him out of his tempestuous introspection.

“I’m so sorry.” The apology was but a murmur from Shiro. It was the sound of a man that was crestfallen and guilt ridden.

Keith dried one of his eyes with the heel of a hand while he shook his head. “You don’t need to apologize. I already told you Shiro, I know you’re not to blame.”

Shiro refuted a split second after Keith finished talking. “Perhaps not. But like I said before: It doesn't matter. I need you to hear this. Just let me finish. Please Keith.” Shiro practically begged.

After avoiding Shiro's deep gaze for a while, the sheer need in Shiro's voice resulted in Keith looking back at him. The older man's face had hints of tears as well, even when his expression was pinched in a slight frown. 

It broke Keith's heart. Keith swallowed and looked at him in what he hoped was a sign for Shiro to proceed.

“I'm sorry it turned out this way. I'm sorry you're in so much pain, and I'm sorry I keep making it worse even when I'm not sure what I can do to fix it. You don't deserve any of this.” Shiro’s eyes gave Keith a glance over before they landed on that faded injury splitting Keith’s cheek. Shiro's brows furrowed a little further and another year rolled down his face. 

Keith felt wet trails dampening his own cheeks as well as he couldn't tear his eyes from Shiro's. The words really got to him and he wanted to return them. It was breaking Keith to see Shiro with so much regret and perhaps even anger at himself.

Notwithstanding, Keith had no warning for the following smile Shiro offered. It almost made Keith's heart stop. Even with the glossy trails on the chiseled face, the look was adoring. God, Keith felt like he just couldn’t handle the force of it. Keith wanted to convince himself otherwise, but something was beating into his chest the idea that Shiro wanted to be close; closer than they’ve ever been. 

Those eyes of silver have looked at Keith with love before. None were like the current glance Shiro was giving him. Keith's mind advised his heart not to let itself hope though, as Keith might have been seeing things where there was nothing to see. 

“God … I hurt you so much …” The adoring smile turned sad, turning Shiro’s voice more gentle that it has ever been. He was not breaking eye contact with Keith at all.

Keith shook his head, Shiro shouldn’t be feeling so bad. Not because he couldn't get himself together. Not when he hurt him too. Keith touched the edge of what was left of Shiro’s prosthetic, the sound of his bayard cutting through the arm was like a haunting nightmare for his ears. He was hesitant to lay his hand on Shiro and his arm was stiff as it resisted. But Keith pushed through.

“I hurt you too though … hurt you more ...” 

Shiro’s lips quirked up just a sliver and for a moment it looked like he wanted to grab Keith’s hand, but he refrained. “That’s debatable. If I’m being honest, it would never be as important to me as you are. I’d gladly sacrifice it again if it means that you get to live.” 

That statement struck deep, shook more tears out of Keith and made his throat dry. It made him feel safe, secure,  _ loved _ and _ cherished _ by the one man who had his heart. However, Keith didn’t want Shiro to keep getting hurt,  _ he _ wanted to be  _ Shiro’s _ shield. But what good was a shield when it has been broken? The honesty in Shiro’s words, the softness, they broke down whatever little was left of Keith’s defenses and pierced his heart. It was frightening and painful. But it hurt in a more bittersweet way that Keith wasn’t really familiar with. It was clearer now, more than ever, that no matter what, he  _ would not  _ be capable of keeping Shiro out of his heart … or his life. 

Keith’s attention was drawn again when Shiro scoffed.

“It’s embarrassing how bad I am at this.” Shiro rubbed the back of his neck as he seemed to be mulling over something. 

Keith was about to question what he was talking about, but Shiro breathed in deeply through his nose, looked at Keith straight in the eye, and answered said unspoken question. 

“Keith, even before I … ‘disappeared,’ in that battle against Zarkon, I was, and have been doing a lot of thinking. And I …” Shiro took another deep breath and Keith noticed how he again was searching for words.

"When you were trying to break me out of Haggar's control, you said something. And I've been meaning to address it. But I wasn't sure if you'd want to talk about the whole incident because I said and did hurtful things. And it's something that I'll inevitably feel bad about regardless." 

“And this conversation has happened a little bit unexpectedly, therefore less eloquently than what I had in mind. But … what I want you to know the most, and what I’m trying to say is …"

Shiro had been looking at everything else as he talked and fidgeted in his spot while constantly rubbing his neck. The pause of his sentence was brief but full of suspense that stole the breath from Keith's lungs. What Shiro said next was what really made Keith feel like he had been spirited away into Black's mind himself.

"I love you too Keith. And I know that you said you did as a brother, and maybe you may feel weird towards me after I say this. But I can't hold it any longer, too much has happened and I… I don't mean it as a brother or  _ just _ my closest friend. I  ** _love _ ** you … so, so much.”

The last part of Shiro’s words were gentle save for the emphasis on that one word which Keith was taking like a grain of salt. Shiro’s patient eyes beckoned the silence that followed, as if he was letting the message was left to sink into Keith on its own. So slowly that for a moment Keith felt like everything around him came to a stop; like his heart came to a stop. Like a venomous snake, Keith’s doubt slithered and susurrated that it could not be so; Shiro could not love or want someone so broken, so contradictory and flawed. Why would Shiro want to be with a person who could not even bare to let him touch him …

Keith almost fell for the malicious voices, but the pure smile on Shiro’s face evaporated them with the love he radiated. Shiro loved him. Flaws or no flaws. Just like he loved Shiro.

Crashing clarity hit Keith hard enough to wind him, because Shiro loved him back just like he loved Shiro. Keith wanted to cry, scream in joy, feel angry at himself for all his self doubt, jump into Shiro’s arms and never let go while also run away in the fear that uncertainty caused. Instead of any of those he just stared in wide open disbelief: eyes and mouth slightly wide, brows pinched upwards, and tears slithering down his face in an endless flow. 

The older man must've realized the look of disbelief in Keith's face because his smile was sad again. Shiro put his hand on Keith's scared cheek. Keith had the thought of pulling back, he even flinched at the warm contact. It wasn't a sharp blade hurting him. It wasn't a burning pain. It was a gentle stroke that kept him there, cherishing him without words. Keith initially hesitated as he was anxious about the touch being a reminder of pain. But the part of him that yearned for Shiro talked him into bearing the ripples of his unease, and he sank into the warm palm. Anxiety be damned, even if it was for just a moment.

_ Shiro …  _

“I mean it, Keith. Every word.”

Part of Keith didn’t want to move from Shiro’s warm hand yet the phantom burning on his cheek was returning with the intent to overwhelm. Especially since those memories contradicted so much what Shiro just confessed. Keith pulled back, gently, then used the heel of his hand to dry one of is eyes. Although it was for naught since he was not out of bottled emotions. 

“So … you … remember? What I said?”

Shiro turned a little more sad and exhaled softly. “Yes. I do. It’s the memory from that fight that has stuck the most with me, the one that always finally wakes me when I dream.”

They leveled each other with their heavy looks and when Keith opened his mouth Shiro interrupted.

“You don’t have to act on it Keith. You said you loved me as a brother and---”

“I was wrong.” 

“What?”

“I said: I was wrong.” Keith dared to look at Shiro in the eye, was risking to put more of his heart on his sleeve to offer it to Shiro. “I said the brother thing because I was hoping that something,  _ anything  _ would bring you back to me. I lost you  _ twice _ before that and to think that I was losing you again I … I just can’t Shiro. I’ve done some thinking too and I … I’ve also realized how much I really love you. But I’m scared … I wish that I wasn't, but  _ god _ , I’m so, so scared Shiro …” Keith couldn't hold himself from crying then, all he could do was place his hand over his eyes and grit his teeth in a final, yet futile, attempt.

"I understand you Keith." 

Yet more soft words drew Keith's attention. He was met with a look that hinted sadness, but it was shown through a loving and caring smile. 

"There’s a lot going on, and we still have much work to do. Given everything that's happening, and that this is a lot to take in on top of everything, I understand if you're not ready, I'm not sure if I myself am. But I just  _ really _ needed you to know."

Keith dare not ask why there was the implication of desperation. He thought he knew the answer well. It was the uncertainty of their roles as defenders of the universe and the true fragility of life itself. And Shiro knew that last one better than anyone. 

"I want to be with you Shiro. I'm just not sure if I'll be good enough. Not the way I am now."

"It's okay Keith. I'll wait. For however long it takes I'll wait. We'll work on it. We'll help each other … As many times as it takes. Right?"

Keith’s eyes couldn’t leave Shiro's. Those words he had said to Shiro, he didn’t think Shiro would remember them either. His heart swelled so much he thought it would burst. He just couldn't understand how could this man be so patient, and so kind with him. How could Shiro still look at him like he was the greatest treasure in the universe. Keith didn't bother to cover his tears this time. Tears that reflected the love and joy in his heart, but also reflected the wish he had of not being such an emotional wreck.

“Yes … as many times as it takes …” 

They looked at each other and after a while Keith saw the very subtle movement of Shiro’s body forward. Keith felt himself move a little too, but the constant weight in his chest stopped him from moving any further. His eyes were on Shiro’s lips, and Shiro’s eyes were on his …

Keith begged himself to at least allow himself this one moment of reprieve. 

“Is … Is it okay if we kiss?” Keith asked timidly and already feeling like his heart was leaping for more reasons than one. He didn’t miss how Shiro’s throat bobbed as his eyes flickered all over his face. 

“Do you really want to? I mean, I don’t want you to feel pressured …” 

“I want to try …”

There was some uncertainty in Shiro's eyes, but he still leaned in, and pressed his lips against Keith's. There was hardly any resistance from the later. Despite the fear and everything else, Keith wanted this. And Shiro wasn't imposing about it, nor was it a hungry kiss. It could barely be called a kiss as it was more of a gentle press of lips. A reassurance, a promise. Even when Keith wanted to pull back, he fought the bad memories that flashed behind his closed eyes, he was firm and allowed himself what his heart truly desired. 

Shiro must have sensed it because he pulled back gently. Even when he looked like he didn’t want to either. He did keep a close enough distance to have their foreheads almost touching.

"We'll work it out Keith." Shiro repeated in a whisper, “You mean the whole universe to me. I'll fight for you, and I'll be here for you, just like you've always been there for me." Shiro closed his eyes and more tears crawled down his cheeks. But he looked calmer and there was a new air of determination around him.

Keith found himself nodding as he released the brunt of his emotions through a shaky sob. He desperately tried soaking in the steady presence that was Shiro. 

"Just like we've always been there for each other." Keith corrected. His eyes closed and his voice was a little strained, but the weight in his heart was a little lighter. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I hope you all enjoyed this piece and thank you for reading. Kudos, comments and shares are greatly appreciated! I have other parts for this au that I hope to publish sometime soon.  
I thank thequalityrunaway and Kitsune for the help and feedback! You guys are awesome~~
> 
> Hope you all have a lovely day/afternoon/night~~~


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